DAY IN AND DAY OUT

As time goes on, I start to see just how "stuck" Angel and I have gotten ourselves.  Day in and day out.  Eat,.... Work...., Drink,.... Eat..... Drink.....  Sleep..... WEEKEND!!!  YEAH!

Something fun now, right?  Being a Crossdresser's Wife, you already know it will be fun!  Let's plan something.  Will there be two women or just one?  Two?  OK!  It's been discussed, decided and agreed upon.

I AM POSSIBLE!!!!

Nothing is impossible.  The word itself says, "I am possible."
--Audrey Hepburn

AM I Gay?

Angel has been cross dressing more and more. Pretty much on a regular schedule.  Usually at night, then she always wants to go out to the park for a long walk and find a place to take some pictures. Sometimes I go but, most times I don't.  I feel like I am being used as a shield or something.  He needs to find his own courage and his true self.  I think its important.

So, back to me.  If I'm in love with a crossdresser, (i.e. mine in particular) Angel, does that then make me a lesbian?  And, for sure, when or if he gets breast implants, is it then that I am a lesbian?  I

JEWELRY

I want to talk about me not having anyone to talk to.  I'm not getting into all the details here just yet.  Let's just say, I haven't had anyone to talk to besides "them".  Recently, my husband came out to our son, Henry and his girlfriend Sara.  They both know Angel and see her on a regular basis.

Through all our years together, I have always tried to impart my style to Angel.  She's always taken my advice, for the most part.  As a crossdresser, his ultimate goal has been to be able to pass as a 

TWO BIG THUMBS UP! from ME to the Utah 10th Circuit Court

Make that FOUR THUMBS - (Two for Angel, Two for Me).  Although the State of Utah is appealing the Courts decision, this is, indeed, a hugh step forward for our State.

Utah Appeals Court rules Against Utah's Ban on Gay Marriage

CROSSDRESSER THWARTS CONVENIENCE STORE ROBBERY

I always get worried when Angel decides she wants to go out at night.  Which is every time Angel comes around.  She wants to dress how she wants to dress and doesn’t listen to reason.  On this particular night, she was being a little more reasonable.  She put on pants and her regular click-clackity heels and went on the normal walk to the corner store.  It’s, of course, the middle of the night.  That’s when she comes out.   Sometimes, she can be gone as long as an hour and a half.  I’ve learned not to get too worried about it and just trust and have a little faith.  

MARRIAGE BAN LIFTED IN IDAHO

Rainbow flag. Symbol of gay pride. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Federal judge knocks Idaho's same-sex marriage ban - http://t.co/AjPwOBzRKp

— QSaltLake Magazine (@QSaltLake) May 14, 2014 ">

I'd suspect our State of Utah won't be too far behind.  So..... something to look into 

(NOTE TO SELF):  What is the law when your crossdressing husband decides later on in life he's transgendered and completes his "Change", are you still married here?  As of today, there is a ban on same sex marriages therefore, therefore, do they go back 30 years and annul your marriage?    

Something else that popped in my mind just then..... I'd no longer have the stigma of being a crossdressers wife.  Bwahahaha.  

But, then again, I also wouldn't have the stigma of being 

"The Wife"!

I should make a new tab..... NOTES TO SELF.    

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A CROSSDRESSER....."WHAT'S THAT MEAN?"

By Maria Harding

I was told, in great detail, what it was to be a crossdresser.  When I first found out my soon-to-be spouse was a crossdresser, I wanted to know everything I could about it.  "Are you mentally ill?", I had to ask..... And, if so..... "Can you be fixed?" or..... "Is it a habit, and if so, can you just give up the habit?"  No, No and No.  OK.  I had to confirm what he was telling me so I went to the library to research the subject.  I couldn't find anything on the subject. Of Course, I am in Utah and this was the 80's and before the Internet.  Times are a changin' though.

MORE SHOES that I LOVE.

By Maria Harding

        

                                         PURPLE shoe RED shoes

If you don't know by now, it's Boots and Shoes that we love.   And.....we are on a strict budget so we can't spend alot of money! 

 

HUSBAND OR WIFE

By Maria Harding

I get these mixed messages these days.  I ponder our life together and wonder, where did we go wrong?  More importantly, where did I go wrong?  Is anyone to blame and can this situation be fixed?

He tells me one day he is transgendered and just wants to live however he wants and decide each day if he’s a man or woman.  OK.  I got over that and I can live with that.  What I can’t wrap myself around is how, one minute, I’m with my husband….. the next minute, it’s her.  Please note…I did not say “wife”…..  Let me take a short little detour here and tell you about the terminology “wife”, when referring to Angel.  We always talked about getting married again.  Our first marriage wasn’t anything elaborate.  Just a Judge came to our house, we did vows and had a little cake.  (We had dressed up the night before!) 

As the years passed, we became closer .  I was gaining a deep, personal and intimate portrait of this person I married.  It deepened my love for him and that he would trust me with all these inner thoughts.  We said Angel and myself would, one day, have another wedding ceremony.   We both would wear wedding dresses and re-affirm our vows to each other, this time as the other side.

He has been telling me all these years how Angel would wear white and I would wear black.  I would just laugh but recently, it hit me kinda funny.  Why do I wear black to re-affirm my vows to the person I love?  No, we could both wear whatever the hell colors we want.  After all, isn’t that what this is supposed to be about, finding your true, authentic self.

Back to the ceremony, I got down on one knee and proposed a few months ago to her.  She said yes so, I somewhat started to envision the event.  While looking around for ideas, I found some photos of a wedding and re-posted on Google +.    https://plus.google.com/108645756729229654936/posts/7sP4Rur9y2B    When he saw the photos, he said, “Angel will NEVER marry YOU!”

He says he wants to be remain my husband but when he is she, she says she also wants to remain, not wife.  Just remain.  I get so confused.  I am patient.  I am understanding and compassionate.  When the lines of communication were open and he was telling me what he was thinking and feeling, I also has great empathy and it helped me to be reassured I am loved 100%.  Now, there is no talking.  He won’t tell me what he is thinking so, I can only go by what he’s doing.

I take it as a personal attack sometimes when he comes out in front of people dressed slutty.  He is my partner.  To me, that’s putting it out there.  If you wanna stay married, you don’t put yourself out there as available.  I think I may have just said what I need to get through my head, “He” is my partner.   And, let me tell you, he is struggling.  I keep trying to get him or her to open up and talk to me but they won’t.  Oh my goodness, I just said “they”.  I had told myself I wouldn’t refer to him as “they”. 

For now, he is my Husband.  She is someone that is finding her way and, hell, I don’t know…..  She needs her space to grow?  I am trying to leave her alone and let her find herself. 

So, for now, I will leave it at that.  He is my Husband.  For him (and her) I feel eternally blessed and am truly a better person for having known him.

I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO

I am looking forward to the day when my friend and I  can “dress” together again.  He is always talking about how much he is looking forward to “dressing” yet…the fact of the matter is, he is always dressing so…WTF? 

Where do I fit in.  I can tell you where I used to be.  But…Change is Inevitable.

We used to set a date and decide where we were going to go.  The buildup was phenomenal.  We each had at least a week to plan and get our outfits together, what special sexy something we were going to surprise each other with.  It was awesome. 

I knew he wanted to be with me.  Now, we don’t even have sex anymore.  Forget about lingerie or something sexy.  If I put something seductive on, he just goes into the closet and puts on his own stuff.  I feel invisible when this happens. 

MAN OR WOMAN

#Boobies, #Crossdressers Wife, #Crossdressing, #Wife of #Trans spouse

So, where was I? It's been a minute since I blogged and I'm attempting to keep this in a somewhat chronological order.  (If I dare call it that).    My apologies each post starts with my disclaimers.  It will get better as we go.  

My hubby just really threw me for a loop.  He's always been a crossdresser and now,  he tells me he is transsexual.  Mind you… not transgendered, transSEXUAL.  What exactly, is THAT supposed to mean?  Why are we playing semantics and what about my “crossdressing” husband?  He would sometimes be my she but then return to my husband?  Where were they?  Why can’t we just leave things the way they are.  Why all the change up? And more good news for me, she is going to have breast implants.   WHAAaaa... When he told me that, I stopped.  Right there.   BLAM.  All my life flashed before my eyes….   Huh?

I’m not who I thought I’ve been all these years.  Exactly!!  Then, who the hell am I?  I’ve been duped.  It was all a set-up.


I had some thinking to do now. The thoughts in my head were racing, as they often do when he’s throwing curve balls at me.  It sounded something like, “OK…. He's going to get some boobies. Hmmmm. OK… I like Boobies… Wait… no, No, NO.  What about….?  What about what?  What about...  the people.   What will “everyone” think?… Who is “everyone”?  Who are the PEOPLE?  I’ll tell ya who the people are, the kids, the family, the neighbors, the crossing guard, the police, the military guys,  the President!  And what about Michelle and the Girls?  Not to mention all the BOYS in the US.  That inner voice of mine was getting louder with each sentence.  At this point, it was pounding, screaming in my  head.   I foresaw exactly where I was going with this.  I could hear every hypocritical statement and contradiction I was posing to myself.   Am I a hypocrite?  I shall see, once I uncover all these layers here to get to the bottom of it. 
“I don't care what people think”.   I’ve always said that.  Out loud, too.  Let’s look at that closer.  Do I? or Do I?   Again, I must ponder this a little more. You know what, I guess maybe I do care what people think.   That’s crazy.  I taught my children to be whomever they wanted, dress how they wanted, say what was true and be true to themselves.  Am I really real? 


When something hits you to the core of your person, am I real or do I stand on what I can define with my words and wrap my mind around whatever it is to fit into what I have been taught and our society dictates is “right” and “wrong” behavior for the genitalia we were born with. 


What he had explained to me, many years ago, about what it was to be a crossdresser was that…he was a bi-sexual man who liked to wear womens clothing for the sexual turn on.  When dressed, he likes to have the attentions and affections of a man.  So where does that leave me?

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GORGEOUS LUVVY, JUST GORGEOUS

I have gotta say, I've missed not being able to express myself in writing. I love to type because at least the typing keeps up (somewhat) with the speed of what's going on in my brain.  During the past couple months, it's been a roller coaster ride.  My husband won't commit or make a decision one way or the other.  He can't decide if he wants to remain a crossdresser or if he wants to be transgender.  It makes ME so confused.  I wouldn't want to be him.  I can only envision what it must be like in his head!

You see, my difficulty comes up when he decides he wants to be gorgeous and sexy, he asks me if it's ok.  Uuhh?!?  What should I say?  What does HE think I'll say?   Besides, what does it really matter what I say.  Doesn't he need to be himself.

Crossdressing was something he and I shared as a couple.  It was one of our many displays of intimacy.  His feminine persona was my best friend.

#Gorgeous #Leggs

#Sexy #Crossdressing #Husband #Leggs

We laughed and giggled all the time and if he was feeling feminine, we'd try on new clothes together, experiment with makeup, do our hair and wigs, and, of course, play with boobies.  We'd be Runway Model ready then strut down our catwalk, imitating the Greats like Jenna or Ines.  We WERE those Hollywood models.  We used to put on Runway Shows for each other with quick changes for all the different looks.    She'd help me pick out my wardrobe changes and I hers....and she was my best friend.

He IS my best friend.  He's having such a difficult struggle inside himself.  He used to tell me about it and now, doesn't seem to want to say, out loud, what's going on.  All I ever asked for was the truth.  Just speak the truth and speak from your heart.  I see his perpetual battle and it hurts me to see the suffering.  I try to reassure him and say to just be himself but...I can't seem to reassure myself it will work out.  I'm scared.  How can I pass on the hope when I am scared?  I just pick up every day and handle whatever the next thing is that comes our way.  That's how! Cause WeBeOnIt!.  I'm trying to elevate my attitude.  

In the past when he wanted to be gorgeous, he would clear it with me first.  Him being a crossdresser, we had made an agreement that he would only dress when we both agreed and felt ok with it.  Now, if he's transgender, he should just be himself or herself, right?  (Heavy sigh...Still Confused).

Please allow me to apologize for being so confused by the hims and hers.  SOME DAYS!

I know in my head maybe I shouldn't be (confused) anymore, I should be able to roll with it however, he still asks me permission then, no matter what my response, he dresses.  He HEARD me say it was ok.  She is a bit of a sissy slut and always goes short and tall, if you know what I mean.  The shorter skirt the better and the higher the heel, the BEST!  Now, I love the look.  That look was reserved for our special times and for ONLY me.  Not for the world, let alone my neighborhood.  (on and on........)

After she's all gorgeous, dolled up slutty, now, I'm salivating.  It's like Pavlov's dog.  I've got a conditioned response to have sex when she comes out.  If she doesn't conceal her attire and keep the risque clothing reserved for me, I get upset and jealous.  I just don't think my spouse should be flaunting it like that.  Ultimately, he blames his attire and behavior on me.  He tells me I condoned it, even encouraged him to be his gorgeous, sexy slutty self in the middle of the day.   

Choices.  We all have choices and we should be free to make them by ourselves.  Type of clothing is also a choice.  We choice what we wear into the world.  I don't put my stuff out there, lookin' like I'm some single lady.  I respect my spouse and don't want her to be jealous.   Ever.



THE CROSSDRESSERS WIFE IS COMING OUT

I would love to hear from anyone who reads this stuff I'm writing and what they think.  I have joined several communities on G+ and I'm just not sure I will fit in with them.  Fit In??  Who Am I Kidding?  I am ME!  and that will not change.  I will evolve into a more developed, aware, Elevated plane.  G6?

I'd love to know if anyone relates to my humor.  I always try to "Make Lemonade" when given the lemons.  These days it's been Orange Juice, Watermelon Juice and, well, I'm not going to mention the other Juice!  That one there is a deep subject.  Oops.